Months prior to the Na’vi language existing, an obsessed co-worker blackmailed me into watching the trailer to a “must-see never heard of film” he called “Avatar.” And since I was being held against my will, I had no other choice but to embrace the moment.
It was a moment that, more or less, excited him a little too much if you catch the drift.
Fast forward to two months later. Three friends and I decided to jump on the “Avatar” train. After seeing “Twilight” I feared midnight premieres and book clubs. Therefore, I opted for a two-week gap, hoping to separate the crazy fans who were convinced they spoke Na’vi from the normal crazy people, like myself.
While in line at Edward’s Cinema, I noticed an usher handing each Avatar ticket holder a plastic bag. Shortly thereafter, I became the new owner of a brand new pair of black-on-black 3D lenses. My reflection in the carnival-mirrored columns entertained me for a good 20 minutes while my friends got snacks.
Then it was time. The previews were over, the glasses were on and the rest was history.
Life as I knew it had yet to be the same.
As sad as it sounds, I was heartbroken. The only other movie I’ve never rebounded from was “FernGully: The Last Rainforest.” And that’s when I was six years old. The only technology I knew in ‘92 was my grandmas VHS player.
However, the Avatar aftermath didn’t hit me until later that night. The entire car had come to the consensus that only two people had the power to cure the Avatar blues, Ben and Jerry. And that’s when it happened.
A supermarket that shall remain nameless was completely out of my favorite flavor, Everything But The. Unfortunately, for them, all that was in stock was Chunky Monkey and Cherry Garcia.
I found myself shattering strangers’ eardrums, awaiting a Toruk to swoop me from the hell known as Vons (on Fowler and Herndon Ave.).
But it didn’t end there. MacGyver like attempts were made to steal the Jake Sully McDonald’s happy meal toy I Christmas gifted. And worst of all, I fell into jealousy with Jake Sully. Not only because his name was adorably similar to my all-time favorite Pixar monster, but because he inhaled a lung full of air that is the Pandoran ecosystem.
After being completely immersed into James Cameron’s three-dimensional experience I would like to ask a certain someone for forgiveness (you know who you are). I would like to publicly apologize to the co-worker that my humor offended. Jokes made post Pandora were cruel and unintentional. However, the tables have turned. I am now the tail end of Collegian staff jokes, sexual “Avatar” innuendos even.
And just to set the record straight, unlike our former president Bill Clinton. I will not lie when I say; I most definitely would have sexual relations with that “Avatar.”