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Simulated sex and real disgust outside The Collegian window
They kissed quietly. Wrapping their arms around each other and grabbing fistfuls of butt cheek, they ground their hips in a circular motion. Doing something similar to a full-body dolphin kick, the two banged crotches while their tongues seemed to be engaged in World War III. “ Are you watching this?” someone said in disbelief. I looked up just in time to see a naughty hand creep down into a denim miniskirt—less than five feet away from my face. “ Oh my god,” someone else screamed. “Eeeeeewwwwwww!” I was sitting at my desk, and right outside my mirrored window, a singular body mass I thought to be a man and a woman was engaged in a public display of affection raunchy enough to be filmed and sold in the 10 p.m. slot on channel 78. Someone should have called the cops. I scrambled to my feet, ran around my desk and sloshed my face into the window, spreading the blinds with my fingers to get an unobstructed view. What I saw nearly made me puke. The passionate man and the woman outside turned out to be two kids—neither could have been older than 16 or 17. I could feel the bile creeping incrementally up my esophagus like mercury in a thermometer on a hot summer day. The boy looked like the kind of once-a-month shaver we all were back in 10th grade. The girl was wearing the skirt and what one might say was a tight, revealing shirt—that is if she had anything to reveal. As portions of the office continued to whoop it up at the obscenity, I sat back down, visibly disgusted. Who were these kids? Why were they outside my window? Did I just see what I thought I saw? It’s a good thing nobody did call the cops. They’d have taken all of us away in the paddy wagon—for watching child porn. I don’t know where these kids came from, and I don’t want to know. I just want them away from my window. They could have just been some random kids on a tour of the campus, but if the source was University High School, this is a slightly more offensive problem than the long lunch lines in the Student Union. Now, I know kids will be kids, and I’m not offended that the make-outs are going on, but it should be going on in the amphitheater, conveniently out of view. They shouldn’t be bringing it out in the open. One theory proposed to explain the phenomenon offered the deforestation of the underage neckers’ natural habitat—the area behind The Collegian’s office—for their migration into open areas. There used to be tall shrubbery there, and now there is not. As it was explained to me, it’s sort of like when the spotted owls were roosting in the K-Mart signs. They had nowhere else to go. I’m proposing a solution to make sure these kids stop roosting outside my window. What can I say? I’m a problem solver. Someone should turn their weird high school environment into a more normal one. Build them some bleachers or an equipment shed. They’d feel more comfortable underneath or behind structures like that. It’s bad enough they’re forced to practice music all day then play volleyball. They have to be cooped up in that small corner of campus. We should provide them with a proper place to get down and dirty before some weirdo catches them on camera and sells it on eBay. — This columnist can be reached at collegian@csufresno.edu |
