Taking the banana boat to Fresno State

By Gregg Deslauriers

For years mankind has wondered what it is that separates us from monkeys. Linguists say it’s language. Biologists mention genetic material and psychologists note cognitive thought. I believe the answer lies in our ability to solve problems and our capacity for creativity and foresight. Watching you people drive to this university on a daily basis has compelled me to forsake this theory and utter my old standby, “uh, we don’t have a tail.”

How do I know it’s “you people?” Because you monkeys never take the parking passes off your mirrors.

I drive 20 minutes to and from Fresno State nearly every day and without fail one or more of the following happens every time I make the trip.

As I head east on the 168 I set my cruise control to 65 and move toward the right lane. As I do this, someone in either a minivan, a Civic or an SUV flies into my rearview and tries to pass me on the right because they can’t get around the guys going 75 in the left lane.

Ten stress-free minutes pass by as I safely move down the freeway at a slow pace, saving gas and our Valley a little bit of smog. As I pull onto the off ramp, I pull behind the same vehicle that passed by at sub-light speed 10 miles back. Right about here I notice the parking pass on the car’s rearview.

I pull into the center lane of the off ramp so that when I take a left I will be in the right lane. As I turn onto Shaw, I notice that one vehicle skips the lane it is in on the ramp and fires two lanes over into the right turn only lane.

The driver notices they are in the right turn only ramp and cuts off a third car trying to turn left. As I approach the parking lot, with my blinker on, this same car revs its engine and tries to pass me on the right. About here I notice the parking pass on the car’s rearview.

At the end of the day, I line up to attempt a left turn onto Shaw. When the light turns green, the first and second people in the 20-car line wait three seconds to move as they chat on their cell phones and make sure their hat is on at the proper 30-degree angle. Four cars make the light and I get to listen to the music in the car behind me for another eight to 20 minutes. About here I notice the parking pass on all the cars’ rearviews.

I get onto the onramp and start to accelerate so as to merge with the 75 mph traffic in the right lane. The car ahead of me is moving at a uniform 45 mph. A pace that it continues to hold as we (me and the 15 cars behind me) begin to merge. Right about here I notice the parking pass on the car’s rearview.

So the moral of the story must be—take your parking passes down if you’re going to drive like a witless ape right?Wrong!

Monkeys in cars are a bad idea. We evolved for a reason. All the cars heading in the same direction are trying to go that way too. If you’re keep this in mind, we might all get there. The point is driving fast doesn’t get you there any faster. And remember only you can make this the best Gregg Deslauriers semester yet.

— This columnist can be reached

at collegian@csufresno.edu