Just when you thought it was safe to get back on the sidewalk...

By Gregg Deslauriers

Fresno State has a severe traffic problem. I’m not talking about the wicked awesome job of civil engineering over by the 168 on ramp or the three-second stop lights that surround it. Nor am I talking about the gravel pit parking lots. This traffic jam happens on the walkways and handi-ramps. I was standing in front of our newly corrected clock tower the other day and I noticed that I probably couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone with a scooter, skateboard, golf cart or bicycle (thankfully for everyone I didn’t have a deceased feline with me at the time).

I realize all these transportation devices are necessary. The first week of this semester I used my skateboard daily so I could avoid circling the parking lot like an albino tiger stalking a magician clad in lacey purple. I would park over by the Mosque and skate in. As I raced to class I discovered I was not alone in this strategy and I uncovered some of its problems.

As I raced to class, substituting adrenaline for morning coffee, I came across several pedestrians. Since I have lived in California I have noticed that native Californians respond very well to the click-clack of approaching urethane wheels. Years of conditioning have given the typical Californian the ability to nearly unconsciously step nimbly to avoid skaters.

Unfortunately not everyone on campus is equipped with this expertise. Often times I see panic in the eyes of approaching pedestrians. This panic is often accompanied by a strange stutter step—an abrupt stop or a dive to the side. Sometimes all three are combined into a dance move that would make James Brown look like a two-bit hack.

Now, here is the important part. As a seasoned skater makes his or her way across a crowded area they are choosing their line. This means that they take in the movement of all in the area and judge how to adjust their speed and motion so as to harmlessly whisk by. Presumably so does everyone else that is walking. When someone panics, stops or dances it creates massive problem for the skater. One of many things can happen—accidentally hitting Mr. or Ms. Happy Pants, accidentally hitting a trash can or bench, and veering off the sidewalk into oncoming cars circling their parking spot prey.

I’m not going to put all the blame on those who walk to class. Some of the blame goes to “Tony Hawk Pro Skater” and the brainiac that invented the frickin’ Razor scooter. Because of these two cultural phenomena we are all privy to amateur rush hour on the footpaths. I was careful to choose the word “seasoned” in the above paragraph.

Inexperienced people and speed bearings mix like alcohol and firearms. While seasoned skaters are choosing their line most other boneheads are doing “If train ‘A’ leaves the station at 5:00 and little Suzy is walking in front of it…” in their head. Meanwhile Suzy’s praying that Johnny and his Christmas-present longboard have spent more than three hours together.

I haven’t even mentioned all the additional bicycle and electric cart traffic. Add in rollerbladers and it looks like the highway scene from Matrix Reloaded. I wouldn’t be all that shocked if I saw bodies pressed together at the fountain like a 20 car pile-up someday soon. It’s amazing anyone makes it to class at all. And if they do they’re probably late because all the clocks on campus were wrong.

— This columnist can be reached at collegian@csufresno.edu