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Sometimes, being young at heart needs to stop
You know when you’re passing out treats, your mind starts to wander and you come up with weird thoughts like, “Will the kids notice this is just leftover Easter candy?” Well, we decided to write them down. Enjoy. • People often wonder at what age you stop going door-to-door begging for candy. Here’s how you know. If you have to shave before you go trick-or-treating, you just might be too old. Fortunately, some of you freshmen still have a few years left. • Alberto’s Halloween Thought: When trick-or-treaters come to my house, I try to scare them to the point that they soil themselves. If they run away crying, they just didn’t want it bad enough. If they stand there wetting themselves, they’ve earned that Rolo. • Don’t you hate those houses that hand out packets of raisins for Halloween? Go back to Vermont you hippies! • It’s wrong to force month-old infants to go trick-or-treating. Like they’re the one who’s going to be eating the candy. Parents, if you want chocolate, don’t hide behind your kid. Just swallow your pride and hope no one questions the six foot Ninja Turtle at their doorstep. • Just because we’re low-income college students doesn’t make it right to pass out Top Ramen for Halloween. Then again, nothing beats the look on a child’s face when they’re handed a package of dehydrated noodles. • People who wear those shirts with the words, “This is my Halloween costume” should be slapped. Just complete the look and write “dumbass” across your forehead. • Can’t decide between going as Batman or Superman for Halloween? This might help. If Batman and Superman ever got into a fight, Batman would probably win because he fights dirty. He’d poke Superman in the eyes and kick him in the crotch. Then after he’s done, he’d sleep with Lois Lane. Now that’s a superhero. • Alberto’s Second Halloween Thought: Some people love candy corn—some people hate it. Personally, I’d rather chew on a leather boot. • If you go to a party dressed as Sponge Bob, you might as well sit next to the guys dressed as Barney, Peter Pan and Robin. They’re the only people you’ll be talking to the whole night. • Pirates are popular this year. Guys, if your woman decides to be a pirate, it doesn’t mean anything. Now if she doesn’t have to pencil in her own mustache, that’s something you might want to be concerned with. • If you hand out dental floss for Halloween, you can save the kids some time by egging your own house and defecating on your porch. (We’re betting some of you freshmen have no idea what the word ‘defecate’ means). • Ryan’s Halloween Thought: The better costume someone has—the more candy they should get. If they come up with just a paper bag over their head, you should take candy from them. • Top 5 Things we love about Halloween: 1) Free Candy 2) Cheerleaders 3) Slutty Nurses 4) French Maids 5) More Slutty Nurses. — These columnists can be reached at collegian@csufresno.edu |
